From the Archives.
For all those lucky people who will never understand, and for all those brave souls that do.
I was 11 years old when certain coloured whiteboard markers became hard to read. I told my parents and teacher as soon as I realised it was ‘only me’ having these troubles, and after a few painstaking weeks of squinting whenever something was written in green, the optometrist finally came to town and demanded I on-the-spot pick one of the 8 pairs that I would regularly have to use for long-distance reading.
Annnnnd it all went downhill from there.
Well, my eyesight certainly did, but thankfully the frame styles drastically improved. I went from thin, metallic purple frames to a thicker black style, which I kept through high school and beyond; with the frames slowly getting thicker and chunkier. I only recently got a new pair and they finally feel like ‘me’. A little bit big, a little big vintage, a little bit kooky and 100% from the men’s section at Specsavers.
Yes, okay, I wear glasses. No big deal! Millions of people wear them for various optical issues, but no optometrist will ever tell you just how FUCKING ANNOYING they can be. So if you’re reading this with your genetically blessed eyeballs and have thought at least once, “ooh, I wish I needed glasses, they look so cute!” then SHADDUP and appreciate how lucky you are and go and buy some fake ones from the chemist.
But if you’re like me and regularly curse the inconvenience, then here are some very relatable issues that make me roll my damaged eyes in exasperation.
Everyone has a good old giggle at the poor soul whose glasses fog up when they go from a cold room into the heat or vice versa, but when this happens I secretly wish I was Scott Summers and could take off my foggy spectacles to turn their inconsiderate asses to dust. Okay maybe I don’t get THAT annoyed after 10 years of endurance, but boy does it suck! Especially when you wipe your glasses down and the IMMEDIATELY fog up again. What the hell is up with that?!
2. Fringes + Glasses = Frenemies
This is a new one I’ve only recently had to battle with, since getting a long fringe of my own. Without wearing glasses, this bad boy is easy to style and stays relatively well in place throughout the day, but with glasses? Oh boy. Be prepared to be constantly checking your face in reflective surfaces and trying to tuck it behind/under your glasses so it’s not sitting awkwardly on top. Sometimes, when the stars and planets align and there is a double rainbow in the sky, the combo works and your fringe and glasses actually look cute together, but this is rare my friends.
And wearing sunglasses with hats doesn’t count, because that’s a CHOICE. My choices are: get sunburnt OR fumble around blindly OR have your hat sit awkwardly looming right above your glasses rims. I do quite enjoy wearing hats for fashion purposes, but 95% of the time I’ll end up using my daily disposable contact lenses so I don’t have to worry about the classic hat/glasses clash. Which brings me to…
4. Prescription Sunglasses
An excellent idea in theory, or when you’re driving long distances during the day, but otherwise: a total pain in the ass. Especially when you’re shopping in a super sunny mall/wandering around the city because you’ve got the choice of either a) squinting the entire time and potentially bumping into things, or b) constantly taking your glasses on/off/on/off overtime you venture into a store. And want to add to the awkward shuffle? Be a good glasses owner and take them in and out of their case! Which is good for the lenses but not so good for your time.
5. Oily Nose
Yes, it’s gross. Yes, it happens. My nose pores are my biggest problem area and probably always will be, purely because of my bloody glasses slipping down all the time. Even when I wear contacts for a few days in a row, it’s still significantly oiler than the rest of my face (which is a ‘normal’ complexion). So. Not. Fair.
6. Finding Frames You Actually Like
In case you were wondering, this is really frigging hard to do, especially if you’re on a budget. Sure, Specsavers have good 2 for 1 deals, and there now are a lot more online glasses retailers that have a ‘try before you buy’ option for their frames, but finding a pair that you genuinely like AND aren’t $500 AND actually suit your face is a fine fucking art.
7. Knowing That In A Zombie Apocalypse, You Would Be Totally Screwed
Glasses break? Due for a check up? Run out of contacts? Well you’re utterly 100% SHIT OUT OF LUCK, because even if you do happen to have an optometrist in your survival gang, whose gonna make said glasses/contacts for ya? It honestly scares me, just how much I rely on my glasses to get me through the day, and unfortunately I am yet to be bitten by a radioactive spider that will help with my vision/web making/enhance my skateboarding skills, etc.
I think it’s time to wrap this little bitch fest up. Also, disclaimer: I know it could be worse. Despite how much I whinge about wearing glasses (i.e. often) I am grateful that there’s an available solution for my eye deterioration. And that I’m not completely blind. Some days I actually like wearing them, because my current pair and cute and quirky and like my tattoos they add a little something to an outfit without actually having to make any effort. So it’s not all bad!
Till next time,