It saddens me to say that I haven’t had one, continuous best friend. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course – but man has it been hard.
All through primary school I suffered from this little thing called living in a transit town. I would make amazing friends, friends that I would run amuck with in our street every afternoon or have back to back sleepovers with every weekend we could, but then, one by one, all of these girls left. I went into high school having friends, but no one I could whole-heartedly say “yes, I am their best friend.”
Notice how I said their? That’s because I would often consider someone to be my best of friends, someone I got along with magnificantly and could share secrets with and ask for advice, but I always had this sinking feeling that the feeling wasn’t mutual. There was always someone else – for them at least.
It didn’t help that one of the girls I was very close to, died when we were 12. That experience, dealing with grief at such a young age, had a waterfall effect for so many things, but now that I really think about it, it fucked me up friend-wise too.
Who knows, maybe some of the girls I was friends with in highschool did consider me to be their BFF (I know one did for certain, but we naturally drifted apart due to distance and having different interests – which is totally okay), but I was too emotionally striken to really believe it. Maybe I still blamed myself for not picking up on Kiara’s warning signs. Maybe I spent too much time creating too many expectations and wishing to escape. Maybe if I’d just got out of my head a little more and stopped thinking so fucking much, things could’ve been different.
But that’s the thing – I am a good friend. I know it. Despite all of my flaws, I care about the people in my life a lot. So why was it so difficult for girls to be my best friend?
Side note – before you think this is trivial – I never gave a shit about calling someone my best friend. I had a best guy friend, for quite a while, but I always longed for that kind of female friendship you always see in books and the movies. The one where the girls have each other’s backs no matter what, and can bitch to about anything and show up to your doorstep with some junk food and alcohol when you’ve had a prick of a week. It’s kind of hard to explain, but I knew something was missing.
I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining about the girls who were my friends in high school. There was a few who were truly amazing friends, and others who I never could quite figure out what they thought about me. I always had this rotten feeling of being second best, which is obviously some internal bullshit that I need to sort out, but it didn’t make things easier.
Maybe this all comes down to me – am I not putting myself out there enough? Do I come across as too whatever to other females? Are they intimidated because I dress a little left-centre and listen to bands they’ve never heard of?
I know my tribe is out there somewhere. I’ve managed to find some fantastic girlfriends already (Tayla, Kasey, Paula, Bea, Danielle, Lauren, Shiv and Tina – I’m looking at you!) but we either a) live plane rides away or b) have impossible schedules so we’re always scurring to try and organise a time to catch up where everyone is free. Adulthood is fucking hard. I never realised how much we took seeing our friends everyday for granted until I moved away from my hometown and had to rely on my shitty mobile phone to stay connected with everyone (which I have a weird love/hate relationship with – but that’s another story).
In all honesty, I have no idea how to navigate this 21st century friendship game. I’m trying, but am I trying enough? I’m so fucking scared that I’m going to look back on my 20’s and regret not being social enough, or spending enough time with friends. I sit around on Instagram and watch everyone’s stories and see how they’ve all got amazing connections and are having such a fun time and yeah, it sucks.
I think I’ll wrap it up there. I wanted to write this post for a number of reasons, mainly because these thoughts have been lingering at the back of my mind for ages, but also because I know I can’t be the only one feeling like this. It’s definitely a hard topic to talk about, because no one wants to admit that they struggle with making friends, but I think it’s something that we SHOULD bring up in conversation. To banish the stigma and let spread a little more girl love around.
I dunno – maybe none of this makes sense? But it’s good to get it off my chest anyway.
Sending you good friendship vibes,
P.S. Writing out all of the names of my female friends was SO theraputic, and also made me realise that I’m not that bad off at all. I just don’t get to see any of them enough. If you’re ever feeling crap about this sort of thing, I’d definitely recommend making a list. You might even surprise yourself <3